Teaching modesty, minus the shame

How many times have we as women thought about modesty in relation to what we wear every day?  Modesty is a concept that a lot of us have had drilled into us from early childhood.  In and of itself, it isn't necessarily a bad thing.  I want to portray class.  I want my daughter to be classy.  I don't want people to look at either of us and think that we are intentionally showing off our assets!  However, I do think that there is a middle ground somewhere between covering every part of our body and showing it all off.  There are detriments to teaching girls that they need to hide their bodies.

God designed the female body.  He designed it to be beautiful and attractive and that beauty and attraction shouldn't be viewed as a negative thing.  Women have curves and shape and we like to be, feel, and look pretty.  There isn't anything wrong with that!  The problem arises when society (largely the Christian society) makes women feel as though their bodies are something to be ashamed of.  We're made to feel like our natural beauty puts us at fault for making men stumble in their faith by lusting after us, whether or not we're conscious of our appearance.  Now, if we're trying to catch men's eyes by wearing skimpy clothing then we do have some responsibility there.  But if we're wearing jeans that fit well and a t-shirt and a man looks and lusts, that isn't our fault.  We cannot control the thoughts and actions of another person and we certainly aren't responsible for their sin.  In teaching modesty to our girls we are telling them that men can't control themselves so we are responsible for modifying how we dress in order that they don't have to control themselves.  What kind of logic is that?  It sets our girls up to grow into women who are ashamed of their bodies and uncomfortable around men; even their own husbands.  This goes back to my first post a couple of weeks ago about sexuality and being open about it and talking about sex.  We can't be comfortable talking about sex with anyone, much less our spouses, if we are made to feel ashamed of our bodies.  Read that post here: A Bold Beginning

Teaching women that their bodies are a source of sin for men has produced a culture which believes that rape is the fault of the woman.  I cannot stress enough how wrong this view is.  Ladies, you are not at fault if a man makes the conscious choice to commit rape.  He chose, based on his own lust and sinful nature, to commit an atrocious act against your will.  You did not choose for him by wearing clothing he found attractive.  He had the choice to act or to refrain from acting.  I am a rape victim and it was not my fault.  I did not choose it; he did.  It wasn't because I had a lack of modesty.  I wasn't wearing a mini skirt; I wasn't wearing a shirt showing cleavage or tight-fitting pants; it would not have mattered if I had been.  In fact, it had nothing to do with me personally and everything to do with the man's sinful nature and his willingness to give in to that sinful nature.  Teaching girls/women to cover up their bodies and hide behind loose-fitting, frumpy clothing just teaches us that it is our own fault.  We should no more be ashamed of our bodies, which were designed by God Himself, than we should be ashamed of the beauty of a sunrise.

My daughter is 11 years old.  I want to teach her modesty.  But I don't want to teach her to cover up her beauty or to take on responsibility for a sin which isn't her own.  I believe we can find a middle ground here.  I believe we can teach our girls healthy sexuality without compromising their wholesomeness.

If you'd like to read more, Sheila Wray Gregoire has written a wonderful blog entry about modesty here: Is the Christian Modesty Message Causing Women To Be Ashamed of Their Bodies?