Teaching modesty, minus the shame

How many times have we as women thought about modesty in relation to what we wear every day?  Modesty is a concept that a lot of us have had drilled into us from early childhood.  In and of itself, it isn't necessarily a bad thing.  I want to portray class.  I want my daughter to be classy.  I don't want people to look at either of us and think that we are intentionally showing off our assets!  However, I do think that there is a middle ground somewhere between covering every part of our body and showing it all off.  There are detriments to teaching girls that they need to hide their bodies.

God designed the female body.  He designed it to be beautiful and attractive and that beauty and attraction shouldn't be viewed as a negative thing.  Women have curves and shape and we like to be, feel, and look pretty.  There isn't anything wrong with that!  The problem arises when society (largely the Christian society) makes women feel as though their bodies are something to be ashamed of.  We're made to feel like our natural beauty puts us at fault for making men stumble in their faith by lusting after us, whether or not we're conscious of our appearance.  Now, if we're trying to catch men's eyes by wearing skimpy clothing then we do have some responsibility there.  But if we're wearing jeans that fit well and a t-shirt and a man looks and lusts, that isn't our fault.  We cannot control the thoughts and actions of another person and we certainly aren't responsible for their sin.  In teaching modesty to our girls we are telling them that men can't control themselves so we are responsible for modifying how we dress in order that they don't have to control themselves.  What kind of logic is that?  It sets our girls up to grow into women who are ashamed of their bodies and uncomfortable around men; even their own husbands.  This goes back to my first post a couple of weeks ago about sexuality and being open about it and talking about sex.  We can't be comfortable talking about sex with anyone, much less our spouses, if we are made to feel ashamed of our bodies.  Read that post here: A Bold Beginning

Teaching women that their bodies are a source of sin for men has produced a culture which believes that rape is the fault of the woman.  I cannot stress enough how wrong this view is.  Ladies, you are not at fault if a man makes the conscious choice to commit rape.  He chose, based on his own lust and sinful nature, to commit an atrocious act against your will.  You did not choose for him by wearing clothing he found attractive.  He had the choice to act or to refrain from acting.  I am a rape victim and it was not my fault.  I did not choose it; he did.  It wasn't because I had a lack of modesty.  I wasn't wearing a mini skirt; I wasn't wearing a shirt showing cleavage or tight-fitting pants; it would not have mattered if I had been.  In fact, it had nothing to do with me personally and everything to do with the man's sinful nature and his willingness to give in to that sinful nature.  Teaching girls/women to cover up their bodies and hide behind loose-fitting, frumpy clothing just teaches us that it is our own fault.  We should no more be ashamed of our bodies, which were designed by God Himself, than we should be ashamed of the beauty of a sunrise.

My daughter is 11 years old.  I want to teach her modesty.  But I don't want to teach her to cover up her beauty or to take on responsibility for a sin which isn't her own.  I believe we can find a middle ground here.  I believe we can teach our girls healthy sexuality without compromising their wholesomeness.

If you'd like to read more, Sheila Wray Gregoire has written a wonderful blog entry about modesty here: Is the Christian Modesty Message Causing Women To Be Ashamed of Their Bodies?

A bold beginning

My very first blog entry.  You'd think I would pick something innocuous to talk about; how to better organize your time, maybe, or respecting your husband more, etc.  Nope.  My first blog is going to be about sex.  S. E. X.  Why, you ask?  Because we don't talk about it enough in the right context!

If you're like me, you were raised in a home where sex was sort of a taboo topic.  Sure, we knew what it was (well, mostly anyway) and that it happened around us, but we didn't *gasp* talk about it out loud.  Heaven forbid.  My best friend and I couldn't even say the word sex, so we made up a code word!  But that's so ridiculous!  Growing up not talking about it and viewing sex as something to be kept under the table and as something dirty did not do me any favors as an adult.  It didn't do my husband any favors either because I couldn't tell him what I wanted or that I wanted!  Sex is an important part of marriage and it's healthy to talk to your spouse about it.  If we can't talk to our spouse about our needs and desires our sex life will suffer.  Ladies, the number one way in which your husband feels truly connected to you emotionally is during sex.  Personally, I want to show my husband how much I love him in every way I can.  This meant that I had to get over that fear of talking about sex.  When I did, my goodness!  What a world opened up for us!  Sure, there's a learning curve, but we were learning together and it was fun!  I felt like a teenager again!

We've got to get over this idea that sex is dirty and disgusting and that we shouldn't speak of it.  Sex within marriage is one of God's gifts to us.  We truly can become one flesh and even be worshipful during sex with our spouse.  It isn't something to be hidden and talked about in hushed tones like it's forbidden and disgusting.  Sex is a beautiful thing between two people who love each other and are committed to loving each other.  I want my kids to know that sex in marriage is a good thing; a healthy thing; and that it isn't something to be ashamed of.  I want them to know how to talk about sex and sexual matters comfortably so that they can develop a healthy attitude towards sex and empower their future spouses to be open about it as well.

It's even important to God that we talk about sex.  There's a whole book of the Bible full of beautiful imagery related to marital sex!  We don't talk about that book in the Bible either!  Song of Solomon is a beautifully written dialogue between a husband and wife.  It's loving and tender, passionate and erotic.  If God saw fit to guide one of the wisest men who ever lived (Solomon) to write a book about sex then surely we should be able to discuss it and use the wisdom in that book to guide our sexual experience!

So, there it is folks.  My first blog entry.  I hope y'all enjoyed it!  Come back now, ya hear?